Emotional Exhaustion

The title of this entry pretty much sums up the last week. I’m a thinker, and I have a very detailed way of processing things through my mind. I don’t often act on impulse; I must weigh the pros and cons of most decisions I make. I’m also a thinker in the fact that I analyze people and conversations a lot. In some aspects being thought driven very good thing; however, sometimes I think it causes more stress than necessary.

Brokenness and Frustration: Monday evening I had a very long, interesting conversation with the principal about her trip the previous week to the jungle. She was very impacted by the trip, and she shared much of her thoughts about the trip with me. People in the jungle of Perú do not always receive birth certificates. It’s almost as if they are treated like animals. They bath, cook, wash clothing, and clean with river water where their waste is also carried. The people have so little; yet the communities are close-knit and loving toward one another. Life in the jungle and in the mountains is so different from here in Lima. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a large city; while it is very different from the states, it is still pretty modernized compared to other parts of the nation.

Pros vs. Cons: Tuesday I talked with the principal about a housing stipend to move out of the school building. They cannot provide that this year, but she offered me a room in her apartment that is about a 10-15 minute drive from the school. She will move there in the middle of this month. Lots of prayer and thought will go into this decision.

Love and Gentleness: I love Wednesday evenings with the kids at the Children’s Home. They’ve moved devotions from Tuesday nights to Wednesday nights which has changed my homework help time a little, but that’s ok. Each week when I arrive I am embraced in hugs and kisses from the children and greeted with friendly smiles by the mamás. No matter how the rest of my week has been, I always feel loved and refreshed when I leave the home.

Loneliness and Sadness: Thursday I was gone from 7:45 in the morning until about 10:45 in the evening. I was surrounded by people all day, but something just wasn’t quite right. I was feeling very lonely. I think being away from everyone that really knows me, my heart, my passions, my desires, being away from everything familiar is getting a little bit harder. Things here are no longer all new and exciting, and I’m beginning to miss all that I took for granted in the States. Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE it here, but it’s not always easy. Just like any other part of life, it isn’t always fun. I miss deep, personal conversations; I miss friends looking into my eyes, knowing something is bothering me, and making me spill my thoughts. I’ve met a lot of great people, but deep, honest relationships take time to build.

Exhaustion, Weakness, and Confusion: My students were not well behaved this week. By Friday I was frustrated, weak, and exhausted. I began counting down the hours to the weekend as soon as I walked into my classroom at 8 a.m. I don’t feel the behavior management system is working with my students; however, because the behavior plan is the plan in the A.C.E. procedures manual, I am forced to use that and only that. The administration does not aide with discipline, and my students don’t care about their behavior. No amount of rewards or consequences seems to matter, and I feel like I have no control. It’s hard to wake up each day dreading another day of teaching. I want to have my passion back, and I believe I would were I in a different school situation.
I’ve begun to weigh options for next year. It’s hard to imagine moving back to the States in December and not returning to Perú for more than a short visit every couple years. However, I’ve checked into a few schools and seem to hit dead ends or haven’t heard back from them. I’m really praying for God’s direction and his plans for my life. I want to be in the center of his will, but I’m confused where that is. I don’t know whether I’m to look for jobs in the States or be more persistent with the schools here.

On a positive note: This week I went to the theater to see Pelham 123. I went out to dinner with a few teachers for their birthdays. Bible Study on Thursday night was enjoyable. I went to the Children’s Home on Friday to help out with sponsorship cards. Lastly, on Saturday I helped one of the teachers move from her home to an apartment across town. After moving, we went to dinner at Chili’s and had a wonderful ice cream treat at a panaderia.

I really do enjoy the casual, unplanned lifestyle I’ve adapted to in Perú. I like just taking things one day at a time rather than having to have every step planned out before leaving the house or a week ahead of time.

The end of the 9-weeks is this Wednesday. I am glad to have Thursday off for a national holiday, and Friday we will work on grades and prepare for the next semester without students present. It’s hard to believe half of the semester has nearly passed. Please pray for the school. Pray for the behavior of my students and my strength and wisdom in knowing how to deal with the discipline best to impact my students for the better. Please pray for my attitude, also.

God's teaching me a lot in many areas of my life. He's opening my eyes more and more each day, to the culture, the people, his plans, and his touch. We serve a mighty God, and it is only by his grace that we may live forever in Christ. His strength helps me to get through each day.

I sent out my 2nd monthly e-mail newsletter this past week. If you did not receive it and would like to please contact me, and I’ll be sure to add you to my mailing list :)