He is Jealous for Me

Vulnerable (adj): capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage.

At a first glance, reading through my blog, you may see me as a very open, honest person. However, while I'm open about certain aspects of my life, there is a lot of stuff I keep to myself, too...believe it or not. I'm a deep thinker, I process and weight all sides of any given situation, and when I love, I love with my entire being (family and friends). Those who know me well have learned to pick up on hints that I provide or read between the lines. Others who don't know me well must ask specific questions to find answers they may be looking for. Anyways, the reason for this long explanation is because I am about to do something I don't do...I'm going to be vulnerable because that's the only way to make this post make any sense to some of you.

This week, I have found the incredible faithfulness and mercy of the only risen Lord to be overly abundant in my life. God has fought for me against the lies of Satan in ways I cannot possibly fully describe to you, but I'm going to try...

While my number one without a doubt reason for returning to Peru has always been the dear children I have met through short term missions with Kids Alive, returning to see my dear Peruvian friends and "family" is always a highlight of my trip. There "was" a guy, which made returning that much more fun, too. Last year, I regretfully spent more time with said guy than the kids, and it's come full circle to bite me much to the pleasure of Satan himself.

I met said guy in June of 2009 when I traveled to Peru with my church on a team to work with Kids Alive for two weeks. I remember him coming to the orphanage to play soccer with the kids, and he asked his friend to give me his camera to take pictures of them playing. My first impression of him was not high; I found him to be conceited and arrogant, definitely not my type of guy. However, when I moved to Peru in August, this guy became a very close friend of mine through other friends that had given us reason to hang out time and time again. Shortly before my departure in December we went out one evening to discuss the direction of our friendship. After hours of talking, tears, and vulnerability we decided that keeping just a friendship was in our best interest. Upon returning home, we talked daily via Skype for hours (literally). This lasted for a few months, until I began working full time as a teacher and life got busy.

I returned in June 2010 for a quick 2 week visit where I found said guy to be working and busy with church 75% of the time I was there. We didn't hang out much, but when we did we had a blast; those times together were special. During my month long trip last summer, things seemed to progress at a fast pace. We spent time together, daily. I was able to introduce him to Manchay and my ministry there, and he introduced me to new friends, new locations, and new activities. We had intimate conversations, and trying my best to keep a friendship, things became confusing. A week before I was to leave, we discussed again our relationship and what was to come. There was definitely something there, but for the protection of both of us, and not knowing when I'd return, we prayed together and prayed separately for the Lord's will. The day I left Peru, we talked and decided that we would continue to seek the Lord's will, whatever that may be. We decided we'd talk weekly, email regularly and just see where things went.

Well, that lasted about a month until he decided to accept an opportunity to travel for a month throughout Peru. That month turned into two months, and now it has become a regular activity. Needless to say, during this time we have begun to talk less and less. I have caught him in a few lies and learned things about him from others he never shared with me; nearly two months ago discovered he was dating someone who now is his girlfriend. 

Hurt? Yes. 

Confused? Yes

Relieved? I think so...

I've been praying for God's will for a long time. There were many things that never made sense about our relationship (language and culture being two of them), but we hoped those things would get better. I never expected clarity would come in this form. Since this has all happened, Satan has been working overtime to whisper (and sometimes yell) lies at me. You're not good enough! You have no business returning to Peru now! Five weeks will be miserable! Your other friends won't have time for you either! It's been one thing after another. Thankfully, never once has he attacked my work with Kids Alive.

This week, God intervened at a time when I didn't think I could take anymore. I was feeling very down about my upcoming trip to Peru, and I found myself in tears wondering why I was "wasting" so much money to return. Tuesday evening, as I sat home reading and praying for God to speak to me, He flooded my mind with memories not of my friends and said guy but of the children, the markets, the people on the streets, rides on the bus, etc. You name it, God brought back a memory. I heard him speak His truth to me, "You are returning because I want you to go! I have work for you in Peru far beyond what you imagine! The kids miss you; the kids need you!"

Wednesday, I received final confirmation that I do indeed have a place to stay in Peru, and throughout the week, I have received a number of emails and Facebook messages from Peruvians asking when I'm returning and telling me they hope we can spend time together. Some of these messages came from friends I haven' talked to since my visit last summer, but the most shocking ones came from two different, unconnected people I haven't talked to since living in Peru in 2009. It has been incredible; I've been speechless many times this week as I have read my friends recalling the memories we have shared together and the desire to repeat them and/or make new ones. 

While I definitely felt the pull of Satan these last few weeks; my God once again has shown himself faithful and ministered to my heart and soul through people in a third world country that miss me. This summer will definitely be different, but the ending of the aforementioned "relationship" was certainly an answer to many months of prayer for clarity. 

I'm excited to return to Peru for the purpose in which God intended...to love on the children of Kids Alive and to spread the love of Christ to the world. I know this will be a wonderful, touching summer abroad, and I can't wait to share it with you here on my blog. 

"He is jealous for me. Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by your glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. Oh how He loves us!" ~ David Crowder Band

Changing of the Seasons

How awesome is it that the changing of the seasons so closely parallel the stages of a Christian's relationship with God himself? I've heard sermons on it before, and each winter I'm reminded of the white, glittering snow that washes away the "junk" from the year before, bringing with it a fresh, new perspective for the year ahead. Spring comes, rebirth occurs as flowers blossom and trees begin to bud. Summer is carefree and happy, lending itself to new, warm memories, followed by fall in which things begin to die, mimicking perhaps the lulls of life, the difficult days, or even the marking of something better to come.

A Peruvian friend of mine is experiencing the true changing of the four seasons in London this year. He's there to study in seminary. He recently emailed me with a lovely description of his new understanding of this parallel between the seasons and life. This is how he described them in his most recent email to me (translated from Spanish).

"The winter is ending in London; every day is less cold than the one before and spring is drawing near. Literally, I have not seen the sun for many months. It comes up at 8 a.m. and by 3 p.m. it is dark again. It is beautiful to see how the leaves are born again on the trees that for many months have been bare, seeming dead from the cold. The seasons in England are more obvious than those in Peru, and it often causes me to think of the cycles of life. There are times of 'winter' in which we feel frozen with each day colder than the one before until we become numb by it. Even though sometimes those 'cold' days seem long, thanks be to God, that he always brings times of 'spring' afterwards. A season which brings a little warmth to the soul. It is said that the harsher the winter, the more refreshing is the summer that follows. Only God knows those days in which you feel the dead, numbing cold of 'winter' but don't lose heart, press on and continue in the ways of the Lord for something better is always to come in the future."

Daniel, you are a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing your observations of the seasons with me at a time when I needed a refreshing word, a reminder that the best is indeed yet to come. 

I'm so grateful for the changing of the four seasons that I have been able to experience almost every year of my life here in Northern Indiana (minus the fall of 2009 which I missed due to living in Peru). It is such a great reminder of the sacrifice of Christ, His death on the cross (winter) and resurrection from the grave (summer). 

As Easter Sunday approaches, I am so grateful that I serve a living God. A God who is full of grace and mercy. A God who forgives and lavishes upon us His unconditional love.