Dreams, Waiting, and a Beating Heart

Awhile back I posted an entry about a challenge I had been given to write down my dreams. Since taking that challenge, I have thought long and hard about my dreams and how they fit into the plan God has for my life. I've often wondered if some of those dreams are too big or if they are unrealistic. I've found myself doubting my ability to handle some of the challenges that I may face in accomplishing these dreams, and I've found myself telling the Devil to leave me alone for I know these thoughts of doubt come from him.

My heart aches for Peru; it's a kind of pain I desire to have for my own nation. However, when I look at the great things we have here, I only become bitter and think to myself, these people do not know true poverty or how to fully depend on God for the smallest need; they do not even have gratitude. My strongest desire is to be in Peru, but I know that for the time being, God has a plan for me here in the United States.

A few days ago I went out for dinner with a friend who is one of the strongest women of God (my age) that I have ever known. I always leave her presence feeling encouraged and a little bit closer to the heart of God. Having not seen here since I left for Peru last August, we had a lot to catch up on. As we shared stories and explained varying life events that have occurred over the last 10 months, I felt the presence of God and could hear him speaking to me through both the things my friend had to say and the thoughts running rampantly through my head. One thing she shared with me that really struck me was the analogy of our life in correlation to a heartbeat. Let me explain:

Our life is like a heartbeat in that it is always beating, always moving, always doing something. Sometimes it slows down for periods of time and during other moments it races. Sometimes we can feel our heart beating in our chest with excitement and adrenaline, but other times we do not feel it at all yet we still know it's there, working, and necessary. However, no matter what time we're in, we are being used just like our hearts.

I feel right now that I'm in one of these calm, barely feel myself moving sort of times. I have dreams, BIG DREAMS, dreams that will take me to a place of high excitement and full adrenaline (teaching overseas, a career as an elementary administrator, and running an orphanage in South America...more specifically Peru). However, right now I'm struggling to find just how God wants to use me. I'm enjoying my work as a summer 'day camp' leader, yet I feel like I'm missing something. I feel as if I'm not doing enough; I feel as if I'm just going through the motions waiting for something bigger. I thought a teaching job this fall would bring me to a point of feeling used again, but I am doubtful of obtaining a job due to the horrid economy. I think often of returning to the mission field overseas, and I remember the joy and excitement those times brought me. However, I understand that I need to be living here and now. God has a purpose for me where I am; if He didn't, I wouldn't be here. My prayer today is that: No matter how 'boring' or 'unexciting' my life might be, I would be fully tuned into the voice of God, that He would be using me to accomplish his task, and that I would be an obedient servant.

Life isn't always going to be racing, filled with excitement and adrenaline, but it does have to be moving forward and living. If our hearts beat full power all the time, we'd be on medication for high blood pressure. These "down times" are necessary to recharge us, refocus us, and refresh us for the next larger task ahead. ]

Lord, I'm ready whenever you are. Use me in whatever way you choose here or there. My ears are open and my feet are ready. Te amo mucho, mi Padre Celestial!

Reflection

I am so incredibly thankful for and blessed by the time I was able to recently spend in Peru. It wasn't at all the vacation I expected, but in many ways it was much better. God's hand was definitely with me on this trip, and He knew exactly what I needed in order to come home feeling refreshed and reminded why I love Peru so much. Shannon was a great host, and in many cases, I picked up right where I left off just 6 months ago.

I was able to really get to know some of the leaders and children in Manchay, and I enjoyed working with the kids up there. Normally on mission trips, I've spent lots of time at the Oasis in Manchay, but more to do construction and less to work with the kids. I never imagined working with the kids in Manchay to be part of my excursion, but I loved every minute of it. These kids are what brought me to Peru 3 years ago, and by spending multiple days with them, I was reminded of my original call to Peru.

I didn't get to see the kids in Pachacamac as often as I would have liked, but that was mainly due to the distance of the new home from where I was staying. It's simply too far away. The new home is very different in that the kids are pretty much contained in their houses. I think this will change a bit once they get common areas to gather such as a concha or playing space. I loved seeing the kids in their homes, enjoying dinner as a "family", and hanging out in the living room relaxing as a normal family does after a long day of work/school. I think the new set-up gives them a better sense of belonging, ownership, and pride. I wish I had more pictures, but unfortunately one of the kids deleted all of my pictures from Thursday, June 3.

I didn't get to take a trip outside of Lima like I had planned, but I kept plenty busy with friends in the city. I began to learn the art of surfing, had dinner with multiple friends, spent a couple days at school with a friend, had a worship night with 17 friends, went to a true Spanish birthday party, and made an appearance at a Spanish hip-hop concert put on by a few of my friends and others. I met new friends that I was able to connect with right away, and I got to see old friends I'd sort of lost touch with since December.

I was frequently asked why I wasn't staying longer and when I would be returning. Both questions that made my heart ache. I was not ready to say good-bye again, but God has promised me I will be back in his timing. I love Peru more than anyone can understand; it holds a special place in my heart. God is alive and working in my friends there, and I'm hoping to carry that excitement back to my friends here. Not to mention...the kids there mean the world to me. I'd do anything to be with them night and day. I know I will be back in God's timing; now it's just a matter of patience on my part for his perfect plan to unfold.

Americana-Peruana

So I've been mistaken for a Peruvian a few times in the last couple of days. Other than my dark hair and brown eyes I really don't think I fit the typical appearance of a Peruvian, but if they want to think I am, it's quite alright with me.

Sunday we met some Brazillians on the beach and were asking Gisell and I various questions about Peruvian culture. When I told them I was from the States, they did a double take and continued asking questions. I guess when you're hanging out with a bunch of Peruvians laughing and spilling out Spanish language people just assume you belong.

Then Monday I went to Miraflores to do some shopping, and it happened again. I was asked for directions from some tourists who tried very hard to use their broken Spanish to ask me where Larcomar was. When I asked them if they spoke English they quickly became less timid and started asking me all kinds of things about places to visit and things to do in Peru. I told them what I knew and explained to them I was from the States. At that I got the response, "But you blend right in with everyone, we never would have guessed."

I've been asked directions a few other times in the last couple days as well. Not that you have to be Peruvian to give directions in Peru, but if I were unsure where to go and I had a Peruvian or a white person nearby, I'd definitely ask the Peruvian. Maybe it's just because I'm comfortable with them after being here so many times.

With that said, I'd love to be an Americana-Peruana. If only I could have both worlds in the same place (that place being Lima). If I could uproot my family and my friends in the U.S. and find a school similar in style to an American public school, I'd be here in a heartbeat. Okay, maybe I'd be here in a heartbeat even though I can't uproot everything I love about the US, but for this point in my life, I know God has plans for me in the Northern Hemisphere, and I continue to wait for his plan to slowly unfold before me.

Late Nights, The Ocean, & Crazy Friends

I know I haven't been many places in the world, but if I had to pick a favorite place I would pick Peru. I love the people. the culture, the fire my friends display for the Lord, and a mix of many other things. Maybe if I was raised here or stayed here for a few years I would feel different, but at this point, I'd say Peru is pretty great.

Saturday evening I went to church with a friend. Afterwards we met up with some of his friends and walked for quite a while before finally deciding on a place to eat...Pizza Hut of all places. I had a great time getting to know these people and sharing Pizza with them while talking late into the night. I finally got home about 1am and after talking with a few friends back home, I crawled into bed very tired.

Nilton took me surfing yesterday after church with some friends. He tried to teach me in about 4 hours how to do it, but it's something I think you have to learn through practice. It's all timing and balance. Again I had a great time meeting new people, laughing with them, and of course being in the water. I swallowed quite a bit of salt water due to the waves crashing into my face as I attempted to swim with the surf board further from shore. God blessed us with sunshine and a decently warm day. Thanks to the wet suits the water actually didn't feel too cold either.

I like that both groups of people on Saturday and Sunday were all people I didn't know before I came last week. I'm not sure what happened to the group we hung out with when I was here last year, but it appears as if they all dispersed and got busy with different things. I saw a few of them last Sunday, but most of them haven't been around. Hopefully at various points this week I'll be able to reconnect with a few of them.
 

I can't believe I leave Saturday already. I don't want to have to say good-bye again, but I do promise I will be back when God allows me. I feel like I have two homes...one in the States with my family and American friends and one here with my Peruvian family and friends. If only there were a way to have both in the same place.

Put It In Perspective

So obviously things are cheaper here in Peru than in the States. I remember when I first returned home, I spent very little money because I was in shock at how "expensive" things were. However, eventually I became accostomed once again to the prices and began to spend more money.

I've had a few conversations about Peruvian salaries vs US salaries already this week. Each conversation, broke my heart even more for these people, and it helped me to better understand how blessed we truly are in the States. Check this out...

A Peruvian teacher in a private school receives a monthly salary of about $240-$500 a month...less than an American teacher makes in 2-3 days.

The average salary in Lima (which is the wealthiest district in Peru) is approximately $350 a month. That means a family with both a mom and dad earning an average salary has a monthly income of $700 or a yearly income of $8400. Mind you that is a family with both mom and dad earning an average salary. Of course there are some that make a whole lot more than that and others that make a whole lot less.

A few of my friends often say, "Gracias a Dios" at the end of a meal. I've not really understood it since we pray before we eat, but after hearing this, I realize now the importance of thanking God for the food we receive. Many people in Peru and around the world pray without ceasing for their next meal, something to fill their stomachs. When God answers that prayer, they know they must give him the praise.

It's obvious that in the US we are rich. I am so blessed, yet often I do not realize it. I hope to never forget the thank God for anything he's provided me.

3 Years Ago

Three years ago I left my country for the very first time (Canada doesn't count), and I traveled with 15 people I hardly knew to Lima, Peru to work with Kids Alive. At that point in time I had the dream of teaching in Latin/South America, yet I had no idea that I would be returning to this very place time and time again. During that trip 3 years ago I made friends with people on my team, and I fell in love with the children.

After a rough junior year of university, I lost my dream of teaching overseas and any hope of ever learning the Spanish language other than the bit I already knew. However, for some reason after finishing college, God led me back to Peru with a group of 4 others last summer. During this trip I had a lot of time to sit and process what God had in store for my life. All I could hear him say was, "You'll be back soon, put your trust in me." Most of you know the rest. I found a "job" as a missionary teacher in Peru just a few blocks from the Kids Alive home. I spent four glorious months in Peru, and cried for days upon returning home. (Okay, maybe only I knew about the crying part, but trust me it happened.) Not a day has gone by that I have not thought about Peru and my time here...the amazing people I met, the fun activities I was a part of, and especially the children who stole my heart.

Today I had the opportunity to hang out with the kids in both Manchay and Pachacamac (the new children's home which used to be located on Monte Carlo). I am so thankful God led me to Peru with 15 strangers 3 years ago, and I pray that he brings me back time and time again (or maybe one time for a great length of time...shhh don't tell my parents).