Awhile back I posted an entry about a challenge I had been given to write down my dreams. Since taking that challenge, I have thought long and hard about my dreams and how they fit into the plan God has for my life. I've often wondered if some of those dreams are too big or if they are unrealistic. I've found myself doubting my ability to handle some of the challenges that I may face in accomplishing these dreams, and I've found myself telling the Devil to leave me alone for I know these thoughts of doubt come from him.
My heart aches for Peru; it's a kind of pain I desire to have for my own nation. However, when I look at the great things we have here, I only become bitter and think to myself, these people do not know true poverty or how to fully depend on God for the smallest need; they do not even have gratitude. My strongest desire is to be in Peru, but I know that for the time being, God has a plan for me here in the United States.
A few days ago I went out for dinner with a friend who is one of the strongest women of God (my age) that I have ever known. I always leave her presence feeling encouraged and a little bit closer to the heart of God. Having not seen here since I left for Peru last August, we had a lot to catch up on. As we shared stories and explained varying life events that have occurred over the last 10 months, I felt the presence of God and could hear him speaking to me through both the things my friend had to say and the thoughts running rampantly through my head. One thing she shared with me that really struck me was the analogy of our life in correlation to a heartbeat. Let me explain:
Our life is like a heartbeat in that it is always beating, always moving, always doing something. Sometimes it slows down for periods of time and during other moments it races. Sometimes we can feel our heart beating in our chest with excitement and adrenaline, but other times we do not feel it at all yet we still know it's there, working, and necessary. However, no matter what time we're in, we are being used just like our hearts.
I feel right now that I'm in one of these calm, barely feel myself moving sort of times. I have dreams, BIG DREAMS, dreams that will take me to a place of high excitement and full adrenaline (teaching overseas, a career as an elementary administrator, and running an orphanage in South America...more specifically Peru). However, right now I'm struggling to find just how God wants to use me. I'm enjoying my work as a summer 'day camp' leader, yet I feel like I'm missing something. I feel as if I'm not doing enough; I feel as if I'm just going through the motions waiting for something bigger. I thought a teaching job this fall would bring me to a point of feeling used again, but I am doubtful of obtaining a job due to the horrid economy. I think often of returning to the mission field overseas, and I remember the joy and excitement those times brought me. However, I understand that I need to be living here and now. God has a purpose for me where I am; if He didn't, I wouldn't be here. My prayer today is that: No matter how 'boring' or 'unexciting' my life might be, I would be fully tuned into the voice of God, that He would be using me to accomplish his task, and that I would be an obedient servant.
Life isn't always going to be racing, filled with excitement and adrenaline, but it does have to be moving forward and living. If our hearts beat full power all the time, we'd be on medication for high blood pressure. These "down times" are necessary to recharge us, refocus us, and refresh us for the next larger task ahead. ]
Lord, I'm ready whenever you are. Use me in whatever way you choose here or there. My ears are open and my feet are ready. Te amo mucho, mi Padre Celestial!
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