Commitment...

It's a big word with deep roots and large responsibilities. It's intimidating and scary, but exciting all at the same time. We commit to our relationships with others as friends and/or lovers. We commit to jobs, activities, church, etc. However, there is one commitment that far exceeds the others...our commitment to Christ. This is the only commitment with eternal rewards if we accept Christ or eternal consequences if we reject him.

I've been realizing more and more that I'm afraid of commitment. The only commitment I feel good about is my commitment to Christ, and sometimes the depth of that even relies on how busy my day is. I've learned that friendships are too often subject to location and seasons of life. Friends come and go and sometimes good-byes hurt. I dislike that I met so many great people in high school, college, and Peru, but now there are only a handful that I remain in contact with. The rest have become distant memories and people I continue to pray for. Some days I feel like I'm walking through life wondering when my closest friends will become only memories, too.

As much as I want a teaching job, a teaching contract scares me. I'm afraid once I sign for a job I will be committing to staying in that location/school forever. It saddens me to think I may never live overseas again once I sign a school contract (if I ever get offered one). I love the U.S. but I just don't know that I'm ready to spend the rest of my life here.

This fear in turn leads me to be skeptical of a commitment in dating and marriage. I don't want to commit to someone who doesn't wan tot travel to South America for missions. I won't commit to someone with an inward focus, but would consider someone who loves people and desires to help the needy in this world. I'm not ready to settle for someone who will give me reason to stay in the U.S. forever.

For 7 months I've avoided committing to activities or getting too involved in things. I keep saying, "I don't know where I'll get a job." What if I never get a job? What if I do stay here? I can't just wait for life to take me somewhere, yet I don't want to join something and then turn around and quit right away.

Like I said...commitment is a big deal. I wish I wasn't so afraid of it! I wish I had a book telling me exactly what God has in store for my life and what/who I should or shouldn't commit to.

Dreams, Waiting, and a Beating Heart

Awhile back I posted an entry about a challenge I had been given to write down my dreams. Since taking that challenge, I have thought long and hard about my dreams and how they fit into the plan God has for my life. I've often wondered if some of those dreams are too big or if they are unrealistic. I've found myself doubting my ability to handle some of the challenges that I may face in accomplishing these dreams, and I've found myself telling the Devil to leave me alone for I know these thoughts of doubt come from him.

My heart aches for Peru; it's a kind of pain I desire to have for my own nation. However, when I look at the great things we have here, I only become bitter and think to myself, these people do not know true poverty or how to fully depend on God for the smallest need; they do not even have gratitude. My strongest desire is to be in Peru, but I know that for the time being, God has a plan for me here in the United States.

A few days ago I went out for dinner with a friend who is one of the strongest women of God (my age) that I have ever known. I always leave her presence feeling encouraged and a little bit closer to the heart of God. Having not seen here since I left for Peru last August, we had a lot to catch up on. As we shared stories and explained varying life events that have occurred over the last 10 months, I felt the presence of God and could hear him speaking to me through both the things my friend had to say and the thoughts running rampantly through my head. One thing she shared with me that really struck me was the analogy of our life in correlation to a heartbeat. Let me explain:

Our life is like a heartbeat in that it is always beating, always moving, always doing something. Sometimes it slows down for periods of time and during other moments it races. Sometimes we can feel our heart beating in our chest with excitement and adrenaline, but other times we do not feel it at all yet we still know it's there, working, and necessary. However, no matter what time we're in, we are being used just like our hearts.

I feel right now that I'm in one of these calm, barely feel myself moving sort of times. I have dreams, BIG DREAMS, dreams that will take me to a place of high excitement and full adrenaline (teaching overseas, a career as an elementary administrator, and running an orphanage in South America...more specifically Peru). However, right now I'm struggling to find just how God wants to use me. I'm enjoying my work as a summer 'day camp' leader, yet I feel like I'm missing something. I feel as if I'm not doing enough; I feel as if I'm just going through the motions waiting for something bigger. I thought a teaching job this fall would bring me to a point of feeling used again, but I am doubtful of obtaining a job due to the horrid economy. I think often of returning to the mission field overseas, and I remember the joy and excitement those times brought me. However, I understand that I need to be living here and now. God has a purpose for me where I am; if He didn't, I wouldn't be here. My prayer today is that: No matter how 'boring' or 'unexciting' my life might be, I would be fully tuned into the voice of God, that He would be using me to accomplish his task, and that I would be an obedient servant.

Life isn't always going to be racing, filled with excitement and adrenaline, but it does have to be moving forward and living. If our hearts beat full power all the time, we'd be on medication for high blood pressure. These "down times" are necessary to recharge us, refocus us, and refresh us for the next larger task ahead. ]

Lord, I'm ready whenever you are. Use me in whatever way you choose here or there. My ears are open and my feet are ready. Te amo mucho, mi Padre Celestial!

Reflection

I am so incredibly thankful for and blessed by the time I was able to recently spend in Peru. It wasn't at all the vacation I expected, but in many ways it was much better. God's hand was definitely with me on this trip, and He knew exactly what I needed in order to come home feeling refreshed and reminded why I love Peru so much. Shannon was a great host, and in many cases, I picked up right where I left off just 6 months ago.

I was able to really get to know some of the leaders and children in Manchay, and I enjoyed working with the kids up there. Normally on mission trips, I've spent lots of time at the Oasis in Manchay, but more to do construction and less to work with the kids. I never imagined working with the kids in Manchay to be part of my excursion, but I loved every minute of it. These kids are what brought me to Peru 3 years ago, and by spending multiple days with them, I was reminded of my original call to Peru.

I didn't get to see the kids in Pachacamac as often as I would have liked, but that was mainly due to the distance of the new home from where I was staying. It's simply too far away. The new home is very different in that the kids are pretty much contained in their houses. I think this will change a bit once they get common areas to gather such as a concha or playing space. I loved seeing the kids in their homes, enjoying dinner as a "family", and hanging out in the living room relaxing as a normal family does after a long day of work/school. I think the new set-up gives them a better sense of belonging, ownership, and pride. I wish I had more pictures, but unfortunately one of the kids deleted all of my pictures from Thursday, June 3.

I didn't get to take a trip outside of Lima like I had planned, but I kept plenty busy with friends in the city. I began to learn the art of surfing, had dinner with multiple friends, spent a couple days at school with a friend, had a worship night with 17 friends, went to a true Spanish birthday party, and made an appearance at a Spanish hip-hop concert put on by a few of my friends and others. I met new friends that I was able to connect with right away, and I got to see old friends I'd sort of lost touch with since December.

I was frequently asked why I wasn't staying longer and when I would be returning. Both questions that made my heart ache. I was not ready to say good-bye again, but God has promised me I will be back in his timing. I love Peru more than anyone can understand; it holds a special place in my heart. God is alive and working in my friends there, and I'm hoping to carry that excitement back to my friends here. Not to mention...the kids there mean the world to me. I'd do anything to be with them night and day. I know I will be back in God's timing; now it's just a matter of patience on my part for his perfect plan to unfold.

Americana-Peruana

So I've been mistaken for a Peruvian a few times in the last couple of days. Other than my dark hair and brown eyes I really don't think I fit the typical appearance of a Peruvian, but if they want to think I am, it's quite alright with me.

Sunday we met some Brazillians on the beach and were asking Gisell and I various questions about Peruvian culture. When I told them I was from the States, they did a double take and continued asking questions. I guess when you're hanging out with a bunch of Peruvians laughing and spilling out Spanish language people just assume you belong.

Then Monday I went to Miraflores to do some shopping, and it happened again. I was asked for directions from some tourists who tried very hard to use their broken Spanish to ask me where Larcomar was. When I asked them if they spoke English they quickly became less timid and started asking me all kinds of things about places to visit and things to do in Peru. I told them what I knew and explained to them I was from the States. At that I got the response, "But you blend right in with everyone, we never would have guessed."

I've been asked directions a few other times in the last couple days as well. Not that you have to be Peruvian to give directions in Peru, but if I were unsure where to go and I had a Peruvian or a white person nearby, I'd definitely ask the Peruvian. Maybe it's just because I'm comfortable with them after being here so many times.

With that said, I'd love to be an Americana-Peruana. If only I could have both worlds in the same place (that place being Lima). If I could uproot my family and my friends in the U.S. and find a school similar in style to an American public school, I'd be here in a heartbeat. Okay, maybe I'd be here in a heartbeat even though I can't uproot everything I love about the US, but for this point in my life, I know God has plans for me in the Northern Hemisphere, and I continue to wait for his plan to slowly unfold before me.

Late Nights, The Ocean, & Crazy Friends

I know I haven't been many places in the world, but if I had to pick a favorite place I would pick Peru. I love the people. the culture, the fire my friends display for the Lord, and a mix of many other things. Maybe if I was raised here or stayed here for a few years I would feel different, but at this point, I'd say Peru is pretty great.

Saturday evening I went to church with a friend. Afterwards we met up with some of his friends and walked for quite a while before finally deciding on a place to eat...Pizza Hut of all places. I had a great time getting to know these people and sharing Pizza with them while talking late into the night. I finally got home about 1am and after talking with a few friends back home, I crawled into bed very tired.

Nilton took me surfing yesterday after church with some friends. He tried to teach me in about 4 hours how to do it, but it's something I think you have to learn through practice. It's all timing and balance. Again I had a great time meeting new people, laughing with them, and of course being in the water. I swallowed quite a bit of salt water due to the waves crashing into my face as I attempted to swim with the surf board further from shore. God blessed us with sunshine and a decently warm day. Thanks to the wet suits the water actually didn't feel too cold either.

I like that both groups of people on Saturday and Sunday were all people I didn't know before I came last week. I'm not sure what happened to the group we hung out with when I was here last year, but it appears as if they all dispersed and got busy with different things. I saw a few of them last Sunday, but most of them haven't been around. Hopefully at various points this week I'll be able to reconnect with a few of them.
 

I can't believe I leave Saturday already. I don't want to have to say good-bye again, but I do promise I will be back when God allows me. I feel like I have two homes...one in the States with my family and American friends and one here with my Peruvian family and friends. If only there were a way to have both in the same place.