Late Night Musings

Despite my exhaustion, I am finding it difficult to sleep. My mind keeps replaying the events of last weekend in North Carolina and then wandering to thoughts of my upcoming trip to Peru. This summer has already been a blast, Peru will be fun, and when I come home, it will be time to dive back into prepping and planning for a new school year. It seems crazy!

Last Saturday my dear friend Liz got married on the beach in North Carolina. It was a simple wedding, yet it was beautiful as well. I drove down on Wednesday with three of my college friends, and we were reunited with eight other dear friends on Thursday and Friday. It was so fun to hang out with everyone. We laughed, we danced, and we slept very little. The exhaustion that I feel is totally worth the joy that I felt hanging out with my best friends on the beach all weekend. I was sad to say good-bye, but I'm thrilled that the next reunion is another wedding planned in Nashville in early January. Let the countdown begin!!

As I unpacked my suitcase this evening, I was overwhelmed with nerves and excitement for my fast approaching return to Peru {June 25-July 30}. I get this way every year, but this year seems different. A lot has changed since my visit last summer both in my life and in the lives of my Peruvian friends. For me personally: I have my own apartment, I've found a church I love, I've made new friends, and I've found a sense of contentment here I haven't felt in a while. In Peru my friends are graduating university, working, dating, traveling, and who knows what else. This year will be different.

In the last three months the Lord has really been working on my heart and mind (not that He doesn't all the time, maybe I'm just paying attention more now). Peru will always hold a special place in my heart, and I still do long for the opportunity to return to Peru to work in ministry of some form. However, I am realizing that at this time that isn't God's plan for my life; it has been my plan all along, my dream, and my desire. God has provided amazing opportunities for me to return to Peru for short visits, but His intentions for me at this time are not long term; perhaps that will change later in life.

With that being said, I'm viewing the summer in Peru as my time for closure. I will use my time to enjoy the friends I've made and the ministries that I've been a part of, but I will not use it to meet with principals and scout out schools as I've done in the past. I'm sure it will be hard saying good-bye at the end of my five week visit, but I can honestly say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has me right where He wants me for the time being. It's exciting to feel that sense of peace, but at the same time a part of me is still wanting to hold on to my dream of "getting out of this town". Maybe one day I'll get that opportunity; for now, I'll enjoy the mini vacations I'm able to take.

If you would, please join me in prayer as I prepare for my departure Sunday evening. It seems that there is lots that needs to be done before I go. Also pray for my time in Peru. Pray that I would be a blessing to the Peruvians and that I would get the closure that I need as I say hello and good-bye to friends who have become like family. At this point, I am not planning on returning next year {I hope to pay down on my college debt instead}, so leaving at the end of July could be tough. Please pray for my safety traveling, pray for my health as I deal with different climates and air than I'm used to here in the States, and pray for my ministry, that I would joyfully spread the good news of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to the Peruvians I am in contact with.

I will be posting contact information soon for all of you! Look for those details in my next post :)

Why I Do It

What is my life calling? That is a question I find myself asking quite a bit recently. As I've glanced around at Master's programs, talked about moving overseas, and explored various mission organizations, I feel as if I have a world of opportunity awaiting me. Yet, I don't know which door is right to walk through. That's when I have to remind myself, over and over again, that God is in control. He will open doors, guide my steps, and use me as He sees fit in His perfect timing.

Don't get me wrong, I love teaching; but I've been feeling pretty tired and worn out recently. I'm exhausted, and some mornings, going to school is the last thing I want to do. Part of it is the end of the year syndrome, and part of it is due to classroom circumstances I feel are beyond my control. Only by the power of the Lord am I able to make it through some days without a frustration breakdown.

Today, however, I was reminded time and time again why I do what I do. As I graded Word Study sentences this evening, tears seriously started forming in my eyes.  One students wrote, "You are my best teacher, Miss O'Connor." Another stated, "Miss O'Connor is a true beauty." Still another had written, "Yesterday I laughed because Miss O'Connor was funny." While these were fun and touching sentences, it was a series of events earlier in the day that lead to me feeling especially loved by my kiddos this evening.

I did reading testing for end of the year benchmark today. Basically, I sat in a room and had student after student read with me, I asked them questions about the reading, and eventually assigned a reading level to the child all via a program on the iPad. As I looked back on where each child was at the beginning of the year, I was amazed that some had grown 6, 7, 8, and even 9 reading levels this year. I couldn't believe how far some of these kids have come. At the end of the day, when all students were completed, I sat back and had to smile thinking of all the hard work that has gone into teaching these kids to read this year and preparing them for the IREAD-3 and ISTEP tests that they recently finished.

The best part of the whole day though occurred after school through a conversation with the substitute who was in my classroom. My students make me so proud! After a tough situation in class today the substitute said she sat down with my students and told them that they needed to put the situation behind them and have a better afternoon. My students then responded by telling her that I had taught them that they needed to be praying for the situation, and that I {Miss O'Connor} pray about it, too. My heart was happy.

I guess at the end of the day (or school year), even if they still blurt out, forget to write their names on their papers, leave labels off their math answers, and argue on occasion, if I have taught them the power of prayer and obedience to the Lord, then my job is done. I may be working in a public school, but that doesn't mean my life and actions can't display Christ to all of the children I come into contact with each day. God is so good, and I'm thankful for the little reminders He provides. Those reminders recently have been proving to me that God has me right where He wants me, for such a time as this.


**While I'm seriously enjoying life, I'm still super excited for my 5 week trip to Peru in just 46 days!!

Torn but Spoken For

Some friends and I took a semi-impromptu trip to Washington, DC last weekend. I had a 3 day weekend off school, so I thought it'd be a great idea to get away. It was nice to be out of this town and spend some time with friends I don't really hang out with much. It was a fun, exhausting weekend away, but totally worth it. I gained a new appreciation for my country, and I felt proud to be a citizen of this nation. It was a feeling I have only felt a few times in the past, but not a daily point of gratitude I recognize in my life.

My heart, mind, and soul are divided. I have a great life here in the U.S. but {most of} you know that I feel called to Peru. That is where I feel happiest and the most at peace. I feel content here, but often I find myself just living the day to day life without realizing my purpose. Is it wrong to be content here? I don't believe so. Does God use me more effectively in Peru than He does here? I honestly can't say that He does. So why do I feel more "useful" living in Peru and serving there than I do here in the U.S.? I have no idea. 

On our very long drive home, I spent some time reading the Bible and thinking about God's calling on my life. I don't think being here is wrong by any means. Honestly, the longer I'm here, the more I'm enjoying it. Moving out of my parents' house has been wonderful. Yes, I do miss them, but I feel more settled and less "in waiting". Yet, still, not a day goes by that Peru isn't on my mind. Whether it comes up in my classroom, an interesting post on Facebook, or a Spanish conversation with Peruvian friends, my days are filled with memories of life in Peru. 

As I pondered God's calling, and read His word, my focus shifted from my desires and residency here on Earth to God's purpose and my citizenship in heaven. It's not about me, and it doesn't matter where I live, God will and does use me each and every day for His purposes. In my classroom here in America or at the orphanage in Peru, God uses me, and none of that is by mistake. He has me where He wants me in my job each day, and he provides opportunities for ministry in Peru during my summer vacations. In a way, I've got the best of both worlds. 

Ultimately, it does not matter where I live on Earth. As long as I'm open, God will use me where I am. I'm not going to earn a higher place in heaven because I lived in Peru. My citizenship is in heaven, and that is all that matters!!

Ephesians 3:17-21 ~ 17 Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do. 18 For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

And what's a post about finding my American identity without a few pictures? Enjoy :)

Cassandra and I with the Capital Building in the background.

Front of the 'Casa Blance' - White House

Dwight D. Eisenhower building - prettiest building in D.C.

WW2 Memorial - Each star equals 100 lives lost :'( 

Lincoln Memorial

Arlington National Cemetery - Breathtaking 

He is Jealous for Me

Vulnerable (adj): capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage.

At a first glance, reading through my blog, you may see me as a very open, honest person. However, while I'm open about certain aspects of my life, there is a lot of stuff I keep to myself, too...believe it or not. I'm a deep thinker, I process and weight all sides of any given situation, and when I love, I love with my entire being (family and friends). Those who know me well have learned to pick up on hints that I provide or read between the lines. Others who don't know me well must ask specific questions to find answers they may be looking for. Anyways, the reason for this long explanation is because I am about to do something I don't do...I'm going to be vulnerable because that's the only way to make this post make any sense to some of you.

This week, I have found the incredible faithfulness and mercy of the only risen Lord to be overly abundant in my life. God has fought for me against the lies of Satan in ways I cannot possibly fully describe to you, but I'm going to try...

While my number one without a doubt reason for returning to Peru has always been the dear children I have met through short term missions with Kids Alive, returning to see my dear Peruvian friends and "family" is always a highlight of my trip. There "was" a guy, which made returning that much more fun, too. Last year, I regretfully spent more time with said guy than the kids, and it's come full circle to bite me much to the pleasure of Satan himself.

I met said guy in June of 2009 when I traveled to Peru with my church on a team to work with Kids Alive for two weeks. I remember him coming to the orphanage to play soccer with the kids, and he asked his friend to give me his camera to take pictures of them playing. My first impression of him was not high; I found him to be conceited and arrogant, definitely not my type of guy. However, when I moved to Peru in August, this guy became a very close friend of mine through other friends that had given us reason to hang out time and time again. Shortly before my departure in December we went out one evening to discuss the direction of our friendship. After hours of talking, tears, and vulnerability we decided that keeping just a friendship was in our best interest. Upon returning home, we talked daily via Skype for hours (literally). This lasted for a few months, until I began working full time as a teacher and life got busy.

I returned in June 2010 for a quick 2 week visit where I found said guy to be working and busy with church 75% of the time I was there. We didn't hang out much, but when we did we had a blast; those times together were special. During my month long trip last summer, things seemed to progress at a fast pace. We spent time together, daily. I was able to introduce him to Manchay and my ministry there, and he introduced me to new friends, new locations, and new activities. We had intimate conversations, and trying my best to keep a friendship, things became confusing. A week before I was to leave, we discussed again our relationship and what was to come. There was definitely something there, but for the protection of both of us, and not knowing when I'd return, we prayed together and prayed separately for the Lord's will. The day I left Peru, we talked and decided that we would continue to seek the Lord's will, whatever that may be. We decided we'd talk weekly, email regularly and just see where things went.

Well, that lasted about a month until he decided to accept an opportunity to travel for a month throughout Peru. That month turned into two months, and now it has become a regular activity. Needless to say, during this time we have begun to talk less and less. I have caught him in a few lies and learned things about him from others he never shared with me; nearly two months ago discovered he was dating someone who now is his girlfriend. 

Hurt? Yes. 

Confused? Yes

Relieved? I think so...

I've been praying for God's will for a long time. There were many things that never made sense about our relationship (language and culture being two of them), but we hoped those things would get better. I never expected clarity would come in this form. Since this has all happened, Satan has been working overtime to whisper (and sometimes yell) lies at me. You're not good enough! You have no business returning to Peru now! Five weeks will be miserable! Your other friends won't have time for you either! It's been one thing after another. Thankfully, never once has he attacked my work with Kids Alive.

This week, God intervened at a time when I didn't think I could take anymore. I was feeling very down about my upcoming trip to Peru, and I found myself in tears wondering why I was "wasting" so much money to return. Tuesday evening, as I sat home reading and praying for God to speak to me, He flooded my mind with memories not of my friends and said guy but of the children, the markets, the people on the streets, rides on the bus, etc. You name it, God brought back a memory. I heard him speak His truth to me, "You are returning because I want you to go! I have work for you in Peru far beyond what you imagine! The kids miss you; the kids need you!"

Wednesday, I received final confirmation that I do indeed have a place to stay in Peru, and throughout the week, I have received a number of emails and Facebook messages from Peruvians asking when I'm returning and telling me they hope we can spend time together. Some of these messages came from friends I haven' talked to since my visit last summer, but the most shocking ones came from two different, unconnected people I haven't talked to since living in Peru in 2009. It has been incredible; I've been speechless many times this week as I have read my friends recalling the memories we have shared together and the desire to repeat them and/or make new ones. 

While I definitely felt the pull of Satan these last few weeks; my God once again has shown himself faithful and ministered to my heart and soul through people in a third world country that miss me. This summer will definitely be different, but the ending of the aforementioned "relationship" was certainly an answer to many months of prayer for clarity. 

I'm excited to return to Peru for the purpose in which God intended...to love on the children of Kids Alive and to spread the love of Christ to the world. I know this will be a wonderful, touching summer abroad, and I can't wait to share it with you here on my blog. 

"He is jealous for me. Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by your glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. Oh how He loves us!" ~ David Crowder Band

Changing of the Seasons

How awesome is it that the changing of the seasons so closely parallel the stages of a Christian's relationship with God himself? I've heard sermons on it before, and each winter I'm reminded of the white, glittering snow that washes away the "junk" from the year before, bringing with it a fresh, new perspective for the year ahead. Spring comes, rebirth occurs as flowers blossom and trees begin to bud. Summer is carefree and happy, lending itself to new, warm memories, followed by fall in which things begin to die, mimicking perhaps the lulls of life, the difficult days, or even the marking of something better to come.

A Peruvian friend of mine is experiencing the true changing of the four seasons in London this year. He's there to study in seminary. He recently emailed me with a lovely description of his new understanding of this parallel between the seasons and life. This is how he described them in his most recent email to me (translated from Spanish).

"The winter is ending in London; every day is less cold than the one before and spring is drawing near. Literally, I have not seen the sun for many months. It comes up at 8 a.m. and by 3 p.m. it is dark again. It is beautiful to see how the leaves are born again on the trees that for many months have been bare, seeming dead from the cold. The seasons in England are more obvious than those in Peru, and it often causes me to think of the cycles of life. There are times of 'winter' in which we feel frozen with each day colder than the one before until we become numb by it. Even though sometimes those 'cold' days seem long, thanks be to God, that he always brings times of 'spring' afterwards. A season which brings a little warmth to the soul. It is said that the harsher the winter, the more refreshing is the summer that follows. Only God knows those days in which you feel the dead, numbing cold of 'winter' but don't lose heart, press on and continue in the ways of the Lord for something better is always to come in the future."

Daniel, you are a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing your observations of the seasons with me at a time when I needed a refreshing word, a reminder that the best is indeed yet to come. 

I'm so grateful for the changing of the four seasons that I have been able to experience almost every year of my life here in Northern Indiana (minus the fall of 2009 which I missed due to living in Peru). It is such a great reminder of the sacrifice of Christ, His death on the cross (winter) and resurrection from the grave (summer). 

As Easter Sunday approaches, I am so grateful that I serve a living God. A God who is full of grace and mercy. A God who forgives and lavishes upon us His unconditional love.