A Heart Divided

It's been over a year since my last post.

Last year I didn't send newsletters like I had previously done either.

This year will be different...

One of my goals is to post on this blog once a month and another is to send out a newsletter quarterly. 

But that's not the reason for this post, so let's get to the point.

Recently, I've been asked by a variety of individuals both in the U.S. and here in Peru which place feels more like home. Honestly, I hate that question, and I still haven't been able to give a straight answer. Although, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to give a straight answer.

Merriam-Webster defines home as

• one's place of residence
• the social unit formed by family living together
• a familiar or usual setting
• a place of origin

Taking those meanings into consideration, the first leads me to believe that Peru is home, but the last would imply that Indiana is home. The second and third definitions could be applied to either location.

So what is home? In my opinion a home is what you make it to be. My home in Peru and the life I lead here is much different than my home in Indiana and the life I once lead there or the life I currently lead there during my yearly visits.

As I explained to a friend yesterday, Peru is like my grown-up home. It's where I work, have responsibilities, pay bills, take care of and do life with my husband, etc. But Indiana is my childhood home, my security blanket, my inner peace. When I visit Indiana I get to live in the "past" in some ways. Mom and dad let me stay in their house and take care of me while I'm there, I get to see friends I've known for ages, and overall things really haven't changed much.

Yet, at the same time, Indiana is starting to feel less like home each visit. Knowing that I'll probably never live there again (my husband hates the snow and cold weather), it's becoming more of a refuge to escape the lack of safety and the homesickness I feel in Peru, but in some ways I also feel as if I've begun to disconnect from many of the places and things that were once so near and dear to me.

This return trip to Peru has been the easiest adjustment back to life here I've had yet. Except for avoiding the grocery store for the first five days, I jumped right back into life, filling my schedule with friends, events at the children's home and time with my husband. Today was the first day I've sat home and relaxed since I got back six days ago. 

It's good to be back home, but I miss my other home, too. 

I firmly believe that here on Earth, I'll never again have just one home.

But I do look forward to the day when all my favorite people from both "homes" are with me in our eternal home in heaven. 

And because my heart is divided here on Earth, my heart aches to see my lost friends saved. It's hard to miss them during long (or short) periods of separation, but I can't imagine spending eternity without them.

Living with Contradictions

This post has been a long time coming. I've sat down to write many times, but the words just don't flow. There is no way to accurately describe the inner conflict I face on a daily basis as I try to find my place at work and in ministry here in Peru. My thoughts are honest thoughts; they are my opinions and my own emotions. Please note that there are some generalizations made that are not meant to offend, but rather to encourage each of us to take a look at how we are living and ensure that our financial wealth (or lack of) does not impact how big or little our faith in Christ is. Christ should always be our first love and our only source of hope and confidence.

_ _ _ _ _

Some days I'm not even sure what to think, how to respond, or even if I'm living reality. It's emotionally exhausting some days to work among the wealthy and serve beside the less fortunate (in terms of money). My daily job is to teach children from wealthy families. Most have nannies or at least someone who cleans house and/or cooks dinner for the family, and some hardly see their parents. Then, I volunteer at a children's home here in Lima where children live without biological parents, in a house with other children who aren't related to them and with a "mama" who cares for them.

Just last Friday I was riding the bus home from work after a very long week, when two boys, brothers between 7-10 years old got on the bus. They talked about how their parents are drug addicts and how they have to support their family, including two younger sisters. They then sang a song (very off key) while trying to keep their balance as the bumpy road tossed about in the aisle of the bus. My heart broke as I thought about the children at the children's home and even those in Manchay who have faced similar situations. When they finished singing, they walked the aisle with their hands out hoping someone would give them a few soles. Some people did, others did not.

This is a normal situation here in Peru. People enter the bus to sing a song or play an instrument and then walk the aisle hoping to receive money from the passengers. Sometimes they explain about a sick family member and try to sell chocolates or other treats to earn money to help pay for the medical expenses. Other days they discuss addictions they have overcome and the need for money to start over with a new life. Sometimes I give money, sometimes I don't.

I live in a wealthy area where houses cost more than the houses in my hometown in the USA. Yet, on the other side of the mountain people live in one or two room houses, dirt floors, and sometimes don't even have running water or electricity. I work in a school where parents pay $1000 per month for their children to attend school while some of my friends' children attend public schools where they are lucky to have a full week of school due to absent teachers or random school closings. I see vehicles with their BMW, Audi, and Mercedes, emblems on a regular basis and then I see families with multiple children boarding the bus with barely enough money to pay their bus fare.

My heart and mind are confused as to how one city can have such dramatic financial differences. It seems the poor get poorer while the rich get richer more drastically than I can express. It breaks my heart that very few of this country's wealthy people care for those living in desperate situations. It seems like the more money one has, the more superior one feels and the less concern for the well-being of others.

However, I'm learning that no matter what social class you come from, we are all poor in some way. Some more visibly than others, but each one of us is lacking something. Some of those around me who have little by means of financial wealth have much in terms of spiritual wealth. They are some of the strongest Christians I know who daily encourage and challenge me to be a better person, to have more faith, and to believe the impossible. They are the ones serving this country and witnessing to their neighbors in attempt to grow and strengthen the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth. On the other hand, the wealthy are generally content. Life is "easy" and there is little room for or need for God. They tend to be nominal in their beliefs and some use church as a way of making connections and growing their businesses.

Heartbreaking...

But, there is hope! The poor in finances are rich in the Spirit and they are making a difference in this great nation. My faith and strength rests in the hand of Father who is making disciples right before my eyes. If only more people would realize that money is only temporary, but they things of God last forever.

The Most Difficult...errr- Wonderful...Time of the Year

I was talking with a friend the other evening about my family holiday traditions between Thanksgiving and Christmas as we ran circles around a nearby park. As I shared my disappointment in missing making the turkey and other food for Thanksgiving dinner, going to the movies with my family, Black Friday, and cutting down a real Christmas tree, I had flashbacks to being here in Peru in 2009 and how hard it was to be away from my family during this season.

This time of year is by far the most difficult to be away from home. The holiday season isn't the same here. First of all, listening to Christmas songs about snowmen and twinkling snow while I'm sweating under the hot sun is quite odd. Second, kicking off the holidays with a Thanksgiving feast is non-existent; in fact, I'll be working the next three days just like any other week of the year. Black Friday is unheard of, and well, a real Christmas tree would most likely come in the form of a palm tree.

As I recall 2009, I have memories of shedding tears and I crossed of days on my countdown to return home. I remember being extremely homesick and at times felt like the end of my stay in Lima would never end. I couldn't leave this country soon enough, and my whole being ached to be back home in Indiana with my loved ones and friends.

This time around, however, is different. I'm still counting down the days for my return to Indiana {25 to be exact}, and I'm still homesick missing my family traditions, BUT I'm enjoying each new day. When I start to ponder about the things I'm missing in the States, I stop to focus on the blessings poured out upon my life here. When I'm tempted to wallow in self-pity, I remind myself to rejoice because God has called me to be joyful; He is my joy. When I start to think about the lack of snowmen and Christmas trees I smile because I love the warm weather that blankets me each day here.

I'm beyond blessed by friendships I have built here with teachers at school and the few friends who haven't lost touch with me. Javier is beyond caring when I begin talking to much about how I miss being in the States for this or for that. My students give me a reason to laugh each day, and God comforts me when I begin to feel all alone. 

I'm excited to head home in a little more than 3 weeks, but at the same time there are things here I will miss. For the first time in years I feel complete contentment in life. I'm living each new day as it comes, enjoying my time as a Peruvian resident, but looking forward to a visit to my homeland, and allowing God to guide my steps. Only where He leads will I follow. Though my heart at times still feels torn in two {I'm not sure it will ever be made whole again}with Christ it is made complete.

My prayer for each of you is that you would enjoy your families during this holiday season. There are people all over the world that would love nothing more than to be united with family to sit and chat, celebrate blessings, and prepare for the birthday of Jesus our Lord. Don't take one moment with your family for granted, no matter how crazy they might be. You never know when your last holiday together may be.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Out With the Old...

As I lay here tonight reflecting on the past year, I can't help but consistently recognize the theme of contentment strung throughout the year. I find little to complain about as I reflect over the past 365 days, and I find many experiences to rejoice for. God has stretched me, pulled me, held me, loved me, and taught me so many times this year. Not everything as been easy, but as the end of the year is fast approaching, I can say that every trial, every tear, every laugh, every adventure was completely worth the feeling of accomplishment contentment, and joy I feel at this moment. The year 2012 has been one huge adventure, I'll do my best to highlight a few of {what I would consider} the greatest things of the year.

• Lived completely on my own for the first time. - Since college I have felt very much in limbo, always waiting for the next thing, living with Mom and Dad until it came time to move away. However, I took the plunge, and admitted to myself that I was here to stay for a while, and moved into an apartment of my own. Through this experience, I have found contentment here in this town, and I began to fully feel like this place was just where God wanted me.
• Read the entire Bible in chronological order this year. - Honestly, in the past, I had a bad habit of reading my Bible two-three times a week when I had time. I participated in studies, and did book of the Bible studies on my own, but I was never super consistent. This year, I have learned the value of being in the word daily, and God has taught me so much about the Bible through my reading. I have read the entire Bible through a few times before, yet I still love that every time there is something new to take from it.
• Found a new church where I feel that I belong and experience the Lord each Sunday. - In January I began consistently attending a new church after a two year search. I have gotten involved in the young adults Bible study, made new friends, and learned so much more about the Lord and His Word. I became a member of the church in September, and we hosted a worship benefit in honor of my friend JP in October.
• Traveled to Peru for 5 weeks with the intent of it being my last trip for a while. - Going into my trip, I felt the Lord asking me to let go. I went to Peru with the intention of hanging out with friends, volunteering with Kids Alive, and saying my good-byes to all. However, the Lord wasn't asking me to let go completely, He was simply asking me to be willing to let go of certain things to experience others. This trip to Peru was by far one of the most amazing ministry experiences I have ever had. The memories I hold from the translating medical trip to Huaraz will be with me forever.
• Discovered contentment in my career. - While I have truly enjoyed my three years at NPE, I haven't felt confident of my work and my abilities until this year. I guess three years teaching the same grade and two years with the same partner does that to you. I'm truly enjoying teaching this year, loving my students, and for the first time not feeling super overwhelmed and unsure of what I'm doing. 
• Feared I was losing my mom. - So maybe this isn't the happiest of all moments this year, but it did teach me once again the amazing power of prayer. Mom left work (unbeknownst) to me on Sept. 19 around 10 a.m. to drive herself to the ER for chest pains. I found out about 11:00 after a few trips to the office and a text from my dad. I worried all day, and prayed while forcing back tears and continuing to teach my class of 25 students. Mom remained in the hospital for a little more than 24 hours at which time the diagnosis was unclear...heart failure yes, cause was undetermined. I sat with Mom and Dad in the hospital for about 5 hours on Tuesday and about 8 hours more on Wednesday. Aside from being shot at while climbing a mountain in Peru, these 24 hours were probably the scariest of my life. I prayed fervently for Mom to be healed, my parents are too young to die. This experience taught me the divine power of prayer.
• And lastly, as a result of the process I've been through this year and the contentment I found, the Lord has opened a door I thought was long closed. - After much stress, joy, uncertainty, excitement, anxiety, and cheers the Lord provided my dream come true. I firmly believe all of the above events had to happen in order to prepare me for what lies ahead. I'm moving to Peru in August!!!

I've found contentment in seeking the Lord with my entire self. I've learned what that looks like, and I've learned how to do it like never before. I've seen the work of the Lord, and I've heard Him speak to me many times. I've felt His embrace, and I've sung my heart out in praise to Him. He has sustained me this year, and He has blessed me beyond what I deserve. 

So here's a salute to the end of a wonderfully, frustrating, joyous year. It's been hard, it's been fun, it's been lonely at times, and it's been full of life during others. As the year ends in just two more days, I can't help but smile at how amazingly, challenging and adventurous 2013 will be.

Dios es Fiel! ~ Days 1 & 2

God is faithful!

It's amazing how the Lord is able to set my mind at ease as soon as the plane lands in Lima. Monday was a long day. With no time to sleep Sunday except a quick 30 minute nap at 11pm, I was exhausted as I boarded the plane in Chicago at 3 a.m. We left promptly and arrived in Guatemala City on time; however, the sky was overcast, so we taxied in the air for approximately 45 minutes. The pilot came on and told us if we couldn't land in the next 15 minutes he could continue on to El Salvador and land there. You can only imagine how my stress level rose and I begin to plan out how I am going to reroute my flights, how I can contact Leo (my ride) to tell him I may be arriving in Lima late, and how I would catch my next flight should we land in Guatemala as it was scheduled to leave in 20 minutes. Finally, we were able to land in Guatemala City, and I was praising the Lord that it was a small airport. I, along with 4 others from my flight, rushed through security and on to our gate where we rushed aboard the plane, only to have the doors shut behind us. My other flights went smoothly to Costa Rica and then to Lima. We arrived in Lima 15 minutes early even, and Leo was there to pick me up. The Lord is faithful!

As we flew over Peru and I began to recognize the territory, my stress from flying and anxiety over what these 5 weeks would have in store was quickly transformed to excited and pure joy. I began to imagine who I wanted to see, what foods I wanted to eat, and places I would like to visit. I realized that all of my fear was from my person, but the Lord provided me joy and gratitude.

Upon arriving at the mission house, I took a moment to just sit and relax before showering and unpacking my bags. My cell phone chip had expired (they only last 2 months when not being used apparently), so after a little bit of chill time, I walked 10 blocks to the grocery store where I could buy a cell phone chip and start connecting with friends. After walking the 10 blocks back "home", I decided to contact a few friends, and went to bed shortly after. 

Tuesday I slept in, and then I organized a few items and off to the store I went to buy only enough groceries so that I could carry them back. I didn't want to pay a taxi to carry me 10 blocks home. Later in the afternoon, I went to my friend Gisell's house (you may remember her as the girl I went to Cuzco with last year), and later I spent time with my dear friend Teresa and her family. 

When I arrived at Teresa's house, I felt right at home as her father said, "Que bueno verte hijita!" (How great to see you daughter!) The rest of her family greeted me with strong hugs and kisses (as is custom here). Her family is wonderful, and I enjoy the time I am able to spend with them.

After returning home last evening near 12:30 a.m. I chatted with a few friends to make plans for day 3, and headed to be shortly after. I slept soundly, free of fear and anxiety, and excited to see how the Lord will direct my path this month. Already I can see his hand at work in my time here, and I am thrilled to see how he will use me. There's never a dull moment here, and while many days I feel exhausted, I love being here and the company I am surrounded with.

So here's to 33 more days in Peru! I know it is going to pass faster than I can even begin to imagine. Already my schedule is filling up!

Late Night Musings

Despite my exhaustion, I am finding it difficult to sleep. My mind keeps replaying the events of last weekend in North Carolina and then wandering to thoughts of my upcoming trip to Peru. This summer has already been a blast, Peru will be fun, and when I come home, it will be time to dive back into prepping and planning for a new school year. It seems crazy!

Last Saturday my dear friend Liz got married on the beach in North Carolina. It was a simple wedding, yet it was beautiful as well. I drove down on Wednesday with three of my college friends, and we were reunited with eight other dear friends on Thursday and Friday. It was so fun to hang out with everyone. We laughed, we danced, and we slept very little. The exhaustion that I feel is totally worth the joy that I felt hanging out with my best friends on the beach all weekend. I was sad to say good-bye, but I'm thrilled that the next reunion is another wedding planned in Nashville in early January. Let the countdown begin!!

As I unpacked my suitcase this evening, I was overwhelmed with nerves and excitement for my fast approaching return to Peru {June 25-July 30}. I get this way every year, but this year seems different. A lot has changed since my visit last summer both in my life and in the lives of my Peruvian friends. For me personally: I have my own apartment, I've found a church I love, I've made new friends, and I've found a sense of contentment here I haven't felt in a while. In Peru my friends are graduating university, working, dating, traveling, and who knows what else. This year will be different.

In the last three months the Lord has really been working on my heart and mind (not that He doesn't all the time, maybe I'm just paying attention more now). Peru will always hold a special place in my heart, and I still do long for the opportunity to return to Peru to work in ministry of some form. However, I am realizing that at this time that isn't God's plan for my life; it has been my plan all along, my dream, and my desire. God has provided amazing opportunities for me to return to Peru for short visits, but His intentions for me at this time are not long term; perhaps that will change later in life.

With that being said, I'm viewing the summer in Peru as my time for closure. I will use my time to enjoy the friends I've made and the ministries that I've been a part of, but I will not use it to meet with principals and scout out schools as I've done in the past. I'm sure it will be hard saying good-bye at the end of my five week visit, but I can honestly say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has me right where He wants me for the time being. It's exciting to feel that sense of peace, but at the same time a part of me is still wanting to hold on to my dream of "getting out of this town". Maybe one day I'll get that opportunity; for now, I'll enjoy the mini vacations I'm able to take.

If you would, please join me in prayer as I prepare for my departure Sunday evening. It seems that there is lots that needs to be done before I go. Also pray for my time in Peru. Pray that I would be a blessing to the Peruvians and that I would get the closure that I need as I say hello and good-bye to friends who have become like family. At this point, I am not planning on returning next year {I hope to pay down on my college debt instead}, so leaving at the end of July could be tough. Please pray for my safety traveling, pray for my health as I deal with different climates and air than I'm used to here in the States, and pray for my ministry, that I would joyfully spread the good news of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to the Peruvians I am in contact with.

I will be posting contact information soon for all of you! Look for those details in my next post :)

Longing

I'm beginning to wonder if this feeling will ever go away. I feel a constant longing deep in my soul. The depths of my heart, once filled with love for orphans and those less fortunate than myself, now feel empty. My mind wanders to thoughts of things past, my other life as I like to refer to it. I go in spurts...one minute I feel content where I am, I trust that God has me here at this time for a purpose, and I do what I can to serve Him while in this place. However, just minutes later I am overcome by the above described feelings; feelings of emptiness, brokenness, and longing desire.

I know that God has big plans for Peru. I know that God is moving amongst my friends there and the people whom I worked with day in and day out. I know God is raising up dear children as disciples for His cause. The people of Peru are open to God, and they look to him for even the smallest needs. I long to be there with them, living amongst them, learning from them, and sharing life with them.

However, since that is not the plan God has put before me at this time, I battle each day to live with the eyes of God. I struggle to be content here, but I know that this is God's plan for the time being. I don't think my work in Peru is done; however, I think I need to be conditioned and changed in order to best serve the people of Peru when I return.

It's a battle every day, but I get by with a little help from my friends. Conversations with friends still in Peru are always an encouragement, and they help me feel a bit more connected to my life there. God is faithful, and I know that He's not finished with me yet!