Torn but Spoken For

Some friends and I took a semi-impromptu trip to Washington, DC last weekend. I had a 3 day weekend off school, so I thought it'd be a great idea to get away. It was nice to be out of this town and spend some time with friends I don't really hang out with much. It was a fun, exhausting weekend away, but totally worth it. I gained a new appreciation for my country, and I felt proud to be a citizen of this nation. It was a feeling I have only felt a few times in the past, but not a daily point of gratitude I recognize in my life.

My heart, mind, and soul are divided. I have a great life here in the U.S. but {most of} you know that I feel called to Peru. That is where I feel happiest and the most at peace. I feel content here, but often I find myself just living the day to day life without realizing my purpose. Is it wrong to be content here? I don't believe so. Does God use me more effectively in Peru than He does here? I honestly can't say that He does. So why do I feel more "useful" living in Peru and serving there than I do here in the U.S.? I have no idea. 

On our very long drive home, I spent some time reading the Bible and thinking about God's calling on my life. I don't think being here is wrong by any means. Honestly, the longer I'm here, the more I'm enjoying it. Moving out of my parents' house has been wonderful. Yes, I do miss them, but I feel more settled and less "in waiting". Yet, still, not a day goes by that Peru isn't on my mind. Whether it comes up in my classroom, an interesting post on Facebook, or a Spanish conversation with Peruvian friends, my days are filled with memories of life in Peru. 

As I pondered God's calling, and read His word, my focus shifted from my desires and residency here on Earth to God's purpose and my citizenship in heaven. It's not about me, and it doesn't matter where I live, God will and does use me each and every day for His purposes. In my classroom here in America or at the orphanage in Peru, God uses me, and none of that is by mistake. He has me where He wants me in my job each day, and he provides opportunities for ministry in Peru during my summer vacations. In a way, I've got the best of both worlds. 

Ultimately, it does not matter where I live on Earth. As long as I'm open, God will use me where I am. I'm not going to earn a higher place in heaven because I lived in Peru. My citizenship is in heaven, and that is all that matters!!

Ephesians 3:17-21 ~ 17 Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do. 18 For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

And what's a post about finding my American identity without a few pictures? Enjoy :)

Cassandra and I with the Capital Building in the background.

Front of the 'Casa Blance' - White House

Dwight D. Eisenhower building - prettiest building in D.C.

WW2 Memorial - Each star equals 100 lives lost :'( 

Lincoln Memorial

Arlington National Cemetery - Breathtaking 

He is Jealous for Me

Vulnerable (adj): capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage.

At a first glance, reading through my blog, you may see me as a very open, honest person. However, while I'm open about certain aspects of my life, there is a lot of stuff I keep to myself, too...believe it or not. I'm a deep thinker, I process and weight all sides of any given situation, and when I love, I love with my entire being (family and friends). Those who know me well have learned to pick up on hints that I provide or read between the lines. Others who don't know me well must ask specific questions to find answers they may be looking for. Anyways, the reason for this long explanation is because I am about to do something I don't do...I'm going to be vulnerable because that's the only way to make this post make any sense to some of you.

This week, I have found the incredible faithfulness and mercy of the only risen Lord to be overly abundant in my life. God has fought for me against the lies of Satan in ways I cannot possibly fully describe to you, but I'm going to try...

While my number one without a doubt reason for returning to Peru has always been the dear children I have met through short term missions with Kids Alive, returning to see my dear Peruvian friends and "family" is always a highlight of my trip. There "was" a guy, which made returning that much more fun, too. Last year, I regretfully spent more time with said guy than the kids, and it's come full circle to bite me much to the pleasure of Satan himself.

I met said guy in June of 2009 when I traveled to Peru with my church on a team to work with Kids Alive for two weeks. I remember him coming to the orphanage to play soccer with the kids, and he asked his friend to give me his camera to take pictures of them playing. My first impression of him was not high; I found him to be conceited and arrogant, definitely not my type of guy. However, when I moved to Peru in August, this guy became a very close friend of mine through other friends that had given us reason to hang out time and time again. Shortly before my departure in December we went out one evening to discuss the direction of our friendship. After hours of talking, tears, and vulnerability we decided that keeping just a friendship was in our best interest. Upon returning home, we talked daily via Skype for hours (literally). This lasted for a few months, until I began working full time as a teacher and life got busy.

I returned in June 2010 for a quick 2 week visit where I found said guy to be working and busy with church 75% of the time I was there. We didn't hang out much, but when we did we had a blast; those times together were special. During my month long trip last summer, things seemed to progress at a fast pace. We spent time together, daily. I was able to introduce him to Manchay and my ministry there, and he introduced me to new friends, new locations, and new activities. We had intimate conversations, and trying my best to keep a friendship, things became confusing. A week before I was to leave, we discussed again our relationship and what was to come. There was definitely something there, but for the protection of both of us, and not knowing when I'd return, we prayed together and prayed separately for the Lord's will. The day I left Peru, we talked and decided that we would continue to seek the Lord's will, whatever that may be. We decided we'd talk weekly, email regularly and just see where things went.

Well, that lasted about a month until he decided to accept an opportunity to travel for a month throughout Peru. That month turned into two months, and now it has become a regular activity. Needless to say, during this time we have begun to talk less and less. I have caught him in a few lies and learned things about him from others he never shared with me; nearly two months ago discovered he was dating someone who now is his girlfriend. 

Hurt? Yes. 

Confused? Yes

Relieved? I think so...

I've been praying for God's will for a long time. There were many things that never made sense about our relationship (language and culture being two of them), but we hoped those things would get better. I never expected clarity would come in this form. Since this has all happened, Satan has been working overtime to whisper (and sometimes yell) lies at me. You're not good enough! You have no business returning to Peru now! Five weeks will be miserable! Your other friends won't have time for you either! It's been one thing after another. Thankfully, never once has he attacked my work with Kids Alive.

This week, God intervened at a time when I didn't think I could take anymore. I was feeling very down about my upcoming trip to Peru, and I found myself in tears wondering why I was "wasting" so much money to return. Tuesday evening, as I sat home reading and praying for God to speak to me, He flooded my mind with memories not of my friends and said guy but of the children, the markets, the people on the streets, rides on the bus, etc. You name it, God brought back a memory. I heard him speak His truth to me, "You are returning because I want you to go! I have work for you in Peru far beyond what you imagine! The kids miss you; the kids need you!"

Wednesday, I received final confirmation that I do indeed have a place to stay in Peru, and throughout the week, I have received a number of emails and Facebook messages from Peruvians asking when I'm returning and telling me they hope we can spend time together. Some of these messages came from friends I haven' talked to since my visit last summer, but the most shocking ones came from two different, unconnected people I haven't talked to since living in Peru in 2009. It has been incredible; I've been speechless many times this week as I have read my friends recalling the memories we have shared together and the desire to repeat them and/or make new ones. 

While I definitely felt the pull of Satan these last few weeks; my God once again has shown himself faithful and ministered to my heart and soul through people in a third world country that miss me. This summer will definitely be different, but the ending of the aforementioned "relationship" was certainly an answer to many months of prayer for clarity. 

I'm excited to return to Peru for the purpose in which God intended...to love on the children of Kids Alive and to spread the love of Christ to the world. I know this will be a wonderful, touching summer abroad, and I can't wait to share it with you here on my blog. 

"He is jealous for me. Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by your glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. Oh how He loves us!" ~ David Crowder Band

Changing of the Seasons

How awesome is it that the changing of the seasons so closely parallel the stages of a Christian's relationship with God himself? I've heard sermons on it before, and each winter I'm reminded of the white, glittering snow that washes away the "junk" from the year before, bringing with it a fresh, new perspective for the year ahead. Spring comes, rebirth occurs as flowers blossom and trees begin to bud. Summer is carefree and happy, lending itself to new, warm memories, followed by fall in which things begin to die, mimicking perhaps the lulls of life, the difficult days, or even the marking of something better to come.

A Peruvian friend of mine is experiencing the true changing of the four seasons in London this year. He's there to study in seminary. He recently emailed me with a lovely description of his new understanding of this parallel between the seasons and life. This is how he described them in his most recent email to me (translated from Spanish).

"The winter is ending in London; every day is less cold than the one before and spring is drawing near. Literally, I have not seen the sun for many months. It comes up at 8 a.m. and by 3 p.m. it is dark again. It is beautiful to see how the leaves are born again on the trees that for many months have been bare, seeming dead from the cold. The seasons in England are more obvious than those in Peru, and it often causes me to think of the cycles of life. There are times of 'winter' in which we feel frozen with each day colder than the one before until we become numb by it. Even though sometimes those 'cold' days seem long, thanks be to God, that he always brings times of 'spring' afterwards. A season which brings a little warmth to the soul. It is said that the harsher the winter, the more refreshing is the summer that follows. Only God knows those days in which you feel the dead, numbing cold of 'winter' but don't lose heart, press on and continue in the ways of the Lord for something better is always to come in the future."

Daniel, you are a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing your observations of the seasons with me at a time when I needed a refreshing word, a reminder that the best is indeed yet to come. 

I'm so grateful for the changing of the four seasons that I have been able to experience almost every year of my life here in Northern Indiana (minus the fall of 2009 which I missed due to living in Peru). It is such a great reminder of the sacrifice of Christ, His death on the cross (winter) and resurrection from the grave (summer). 

As Easter Sunday approaches, I am so grateful that I serve a living God. A God who is full of grace and mercy. A God who forgives and lavishes upon us His unconditional love. 

How are you?

It's a simple question with a very vague response. Most Americans when asked the above question would say, "I'm good." Occasionally someone may respond with, "I'm doing alright," or "I'm okay," and that's about as deep as it gets. We ask this question of others out of courtesy, yet very few times do we truly care to hear the response. If you asked someone how they were doing and they responded with, "I'm having a horrible day," you'd feel obligated to stop, ask questions, and maybe even offer words of encouragement. Who has time for that?

Okay, so maybe that last part was slightly sarcastic, but in all honesty, how often do you genuinely care what the response is when you ask, "How are you?" Just the other day, I was walking through the store and an old high school classmate was coming toward me. I thought about dodging into a nearby aisle, but it was too late; she had already seen me! (Please tell me, I'm not the only one who does that.) As she walked by, I smiled and said hello. Then she asked the question, "How are you?" I responded exactly how you'd expect..."I'm doing well. How are you?" Only, I didn't hear her response. As I turned to look, she had already walked on by and was grabbing an item off the shelf behind me. Apparently, she didn't want to talk to me anymore than I cared to talk with her. 

Last evening, this question brought on a new meaning, or maybe it was a reminder of ponderings I'd previously had. As I was seated at the table during our school's community fish fry, someone asked the elderly man across from me the aforementioned question. He responded with, "I'm blessed!" My heart felt warm, and I could feel a smile growing on my face. It reminded me of Peru and the response given there when asked 'the question'. Christian Peruvians tend to answer honestly; then whether doing well or horrible, they tack on "pero todo bien gracias a Dios." (But everything is good, thanks to God.)

Wow! How often do we stop to think about the blessings God has poured out on our lives? How many times do we stop to thank God for the good (and bad) that He is doing around us? Even on the worst days, a Christian Peruvian, living a 3rd world lifestyle, is able to see God's hand in each situation. Then there's me, "I'm good!" wishing to dodge the question altogether...no honesty, no God-recognition, nothing but a simple, "I'm doing well."

It almost makes me sick to consider how much we have handed to us here in the great U.S.of.A, and too often we (myself included) don't ever stop to count our blessings. It's easier to focus on what we don't have, what we can't do, and ways life could be better, than to be grateful for the abundance we've already been given. 

How are you? - It's a question with a generally vague response, but it shouldn't be that way. It needs to become a conversation starter with a Christ centered response. It shouldn't just be a casual greeting in the grocery store, but it should be an honest question with an honest response. 

Live Like That

~Psalm 139:13-14, 16-18~

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well...

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand--

~Psalm 23:6~

Surely your {His} goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

forever.

Just as the water washes away the footprints in the sand, so are our days, limited in existence. However, the impact of those days is to be determined by the choices made and love shared. God has already ordained the number of our days (Ps. 139:16). He, too, knows the decisions we will make, even before we make them. He's knows when we will give in to him, and he knows when our sinful nature will take control. However, despite my successes and failures, His goodness and love abound in me. 

I've taken extreme liking to the Sidewalk Prophets's song "Live Like That". There's a few stanzas of the song that really capture my attention and make me think twice about the way Christ is perceived (or not perceived) through my life. 

Was I love 

When no one else would show up? 

Was I Jesus to the least of those?

Was my worship more than just a song? 

I want to live like that 

And give it all I have 

So that everything I say and do 

Points to You 

Am I proof 

That You are who you say You are 

That grace can really change a heart?

Do I live like Your love is true? 

People pass 

And even if they don't know my name 

Is there evidence that I've been changed? 

When they see me, do they see You?

My prayer tonight is that when the water washes the footprints of my life away, my legacy will live on as a follower of Christ. More than that, I pray that each person I come into contact with while on this Earth would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ has saved me and that He can save them, too. I desire that my life be a mirror image of the goodness and mercy of the Lord. I desire to live life in gratitude for all that Christ has done for me.